PROBLEMS ASSOCIATED WITH PEACE
Arthur and his troops had engaged in twelve great battles, ending in the Great Battle of Mt. Badon, thereby vanquishing the pagan Saxons. Back at Camelot, Arthur is addressing his knights at the roundish table:
Today we must address the problems associated with peace. Many soldiers still on our dime and Kay the Seneschal is constantly asking for more supplies. Soldiers become antsy when they are not pursuing prey.
We have lost many peasants, which does keep down the surplus population as Merlin always loves to point out but they are not getting in the barley we need to sustain the amount of ale we have been swigging lately.
The Jews are being too tight with their purse strings and not lending enough to keep our blacksmiths burning their forges, to sustain the lumbering we need to keep the forests at bay, to sustain the cartwrights who keep our supplies on the road, to sustain the road workers who help our troops and to spur on our mercantilists and to keep our tailors from importing the wool from the north that is so scratchy in the place of the silks we used to import from Asia.
Sire, what pray tell is 'dime' Gawain called out.
Sire, what pray tell is a 'seneschal' cried Gareth.
Both good looking boys but none to quick in the area of the cranium.
Sire, sire, why not kill all the Jews and lend ourselves all the monies we need? Cried out half the hall.
No, no, no, said the King. I already discussed that possibility with Merlin and he reminded me that that was tried only forty years ago. Banking is just not in our blood. The traders from France ended up with all the money and so then we had to go conquer France again. Now do not get me wrong, I really like the food there. But the French smell funny and they are constantly protesting something and nobody wishes to work more than 32 hours a week.
What, Sire, do these French do with all their extra time? Queried Bedivere.
Oh Bedivere, the French spend a lot of time ravishing their females in violation of the rules set down by Our Lord Jesus Christ. And they also spend all their time writing something called poetry. I really do not understand it, but French ladies swoon over this poetry, especially with the added benefit of wine.....Anyway. We are not going to kill any Jews. I have been getting a good return on my investment, they tell me. I do not know what that means, but they say I already own a place called Monaco and now I am making even more money on these dice games.
But we must opt for change. We must see what we can do to hold my Realm together , work on our infrastructure and begin a new era.
But, Sire, what pray tell is infrastructure? Asked Gawain.
But, Sire, what is an era? Inquired Gareth.
Sire, we must go on a quest, called out Lancelot.
A multitasking quest cried Tristan. And .....Lancelot and I can stay here and protect the castle.
A quest called out the rest of the gathering. A quest
Bedivere chimed in: Sire there is a dastardly dragon in Caerleon. Women have been ravaged!!!
Tristan addressed Bedivere thusly, Bedivere, dragons do not ravage women. They may burn the maidens and they may eat the maidens but they cannot remove their maidenhood due to their anatomical structure.
Well then they are being eaten, and burned and ...and...savaged. That's it, savaged and we can not longer abide the savaging.
Tristan looked at Lancelot and smirked. Lancelot then added his two pence: Sire, there is an Ogre, a giant residing at St. Michael's Mount. The monster has been ravaging the locals and calling out for what he calls the sniveling Celts. It is time for us to answer its call.
Finally Gawain added these comments: There are rumors Sire that the King of a Hundred Knights is alive and well at Leeds. Ready to gather his last 14 knights and… and ...and call for a council of war!!!!!!!
LIVE AT LEEDS. LIVE AT LEEDS, sang the chorus of knights.
HOLD IT DOWN. What do you think this is, a press conference? And Gareth don't you dare ask me what a press conference is or I shall withhold the soothing cream we have been giving you for that itch you always complain about.
NOW ORDER, ORDER I DECLARE.
The room quieted down and Arthur began to smile. This is a great day. This is a great idea for a new era. My swarthy knights, today I shall declare a new Quest. We shall call this day ‘The Quest for Taxes Feast Day’. From this time forward, on this date, our great knights (along with a couple thousand peasants of course) shall go out into the countryside and enter all the shires and approach all of the church properties demanding their tithes for the month. One month out of every year shall the monies received by the clerics be tendered to the King. All plenary indulgences shall be collected to forestall a purgatory on earth.
But sire, what about the Pope? He may become angry and discombobulate us. Thus cried Bedivere.
You mean excommunicate us, Bedivere? Said Tristan, with a scowl.
That too, said Bedivere.
The Pope will not find out until next month as to our goings on. Besides, the Winemakers Guild and the Bakers Guild have been protesting at the Vatican ever since they found out that the Pope has been watering down the communion breakfasts and substituting silly wafers for pieces of a wheat loaf. He has his own problems and listen to this carefully. Ever since he killed all of his Jews, the Church's return on investment has been way, way down. See, we must watch our prejudices lest our pocketbooks be squandered. Besides, you ever see the Pope in battle? All those vestments really screw up his ability to ride a horse and the priest soldiers have been wearing those dresses again. No sense of horsemanship. I swear.
All of a sudden all the knights knelt and blessed themselves.
Er, I swear that we shall not fail in our quest to better our kingdom. Proclaimed the King.
Tristan and Lancelot, you shall lead half of the palace guards unto the country side and bring bags with you. Large bags. And fill them with plenary indulgences from the friaries and the monasteries and the cathedrals but leave London alone for now, I am meeting with the Archbishop on the morrow.
Sir Dobbs...SIR DOBBS
Yes, sire.
Why are you not capitalizing your s's, Dobbs?
Yes Sire!!!
Sir Dobbs there are problems with our boundaries to the south. Some people called Angles are creating havoc in the Southern Provinces. These beasts have terrible teeth and they talk funny and I wish you to pursue all the Angles. Understand soldier?
Yes Sire. And who should I take with me?
One quarter of the palace guards for now Dobbs. But make it fast because I will need you to lead some subcontractors up to Hadrian's wall to buttress our boundaries with the Picts.
But Sire. What is a contractor?
Never mind. Pursue all the Angles.
Snerf, Snerf where is Snerf, yelled the King.
The hunchback hobbled over to the 'head chair' of the table, grumbling as usual. He had once been a happy peasant, short, but happy with a wee little lass. He oftimes thought of his maid Mariannette. Hours in the hayloft until her father found out about it and had him whipped unmercilously Shortly he discovered that he had been left crippled for life. How was he to know she was only twelve (thirteen was the advent of maidenhood in those days of yore. To this day that sentiment can be found in places like Jerry Lee Lewis' home town) and she said she was fourteen and much more adept at things of the heart-so to speak-than any virgin.
Snerf was not his birth name. He had been Christened Stephan of Dover. His old master had a speech impediment and thus he was left with nothing, not even his name. He was taken prisoner five years prior and brought to Camelot when it was discovered that he had a talent with vegetables and he became first lay assistant to Kay the Senescel.
WAKE THE HELL UP SNERF AND HURRY OVER HERE
Oh, oh, he thought. He is mad again. What can I do you for King of mine?
The King was holding a deer leg and made a menacing movement towards him. This venison tastes like a Saxon peon who has rotted in the peat bogs for months. What the hell is this?
Take this back to Kay and tell him to get me some mutton.
So the first cabinet meeting of the New Realm, ends.
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